thus making me awesome and them whores
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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