wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
