You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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