just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
