the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
