....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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