They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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