I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
