oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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