I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
