I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize