I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
