He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
