My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize