Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
