my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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