Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I am never drinking with the goths again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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