hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
