life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
