At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize