Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
