I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
