I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
