I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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