last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
