My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
