I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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