Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
