i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
