I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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