Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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