not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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