The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
