I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
