I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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