when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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