My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
