Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize