hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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