please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
