Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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