Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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