tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
