i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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