chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
