Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize