i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize