girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
