Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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