So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize