Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
