Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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