I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
