Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
