I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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