I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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